The 🌹 in KL

30 Jan 2024 – The arrival of The 🌹 at KLIA. I was actually supposed to send off my friend since she was leaving to the US and I got news that our boys would also be arriving around the same time so might as well kill 2 birds with 1 stone. Since it was early in the morning and on a weekday, not a lot of Broses were able to make it. With that being said, we still managed to welcome them with our little crew. Lowkey I was speechless since I wasn’t able to grasp the fact that they were there…in front of me…in person. I didn’t really record much because I was trying to absorb as much as I could with my eyes. But funny story though, since I was wearing baju kurung with my office tag and the fact that I was basically walking next to them closely, it looked like I was one of the staff escorting them that even our local auxiliary police thought I was with them 😅. We ended up becoming buddies after that lol.. Then I was off to work but only my body was at work while my soul was with the boys.

31 Jan 2024 – The D-day of the D2D tour in KL. Went straight to the venue after work, ended up not changing my outfit so was in my work clothes till midnight. Made a lot of new friends. Attended my first soundcheck and Q&A experience. Again, didn’t record much because I was basically trying to imprint the entire thing in my heart and was singing along to every song until my voice became hoarse. The boys were just amazing and really wish it could be longer & we could stand instead because sitting down really restricted our movements. I cried a bit during Eclipse, Definition of Ugly Is, Time and She’s in the Rain – listening to it live just brought a whole new set of feelings for me. I was basically an emotional mess this day. Praying for another concert/tour once they get enough rest and hopefully I’m able to get the 1:1 photo session. Cannot stress enough how much of an effect they have on me ❤️

Side story: Leave it up to me to have a full breakdown on my drive home. After the concert, me and some of the Broses waited at the carpark for the boys to come out. Halfway waiting, I could feel another breakdown was coming so I left quietly and left a text in the group chat incase the girls were worried that I was suddenly missing. Truthfully, I was already feeling down throughout the past month but today was exceptionally hard. Nonetheless, the thought of seeing the boys made me power through and I didn’t want all these negative energy ruining my chance of enjoying their presence so I’m glad I was able to hold it in until after the concert. Thank goodness there weren’t many cars on the road at that time because I was basically drifting though the highway with my windows down, music on loud blast and bawling my heart out.

Dance Away

I had a dream of you dancing

On the stage that floats in the darkness

No one around

As you move gracefully to the rhythm

Of the song

In your heart that only you can hear

Erasing the wounds of the past

Creating a new canvas

Your sadness replaced by the newfound bliss

Inside this dark room

The spotlight on you

Absorbed in the dance as you’re in a trance

Lost in the rhythm of hope

Flapping your wings to the beat of faith

In search for the golden answers you’ve been seeking

Dance…dance away

On your own stage

This is you.

Prattles

In every nuts and crannies in life, I would ponder – even if it was pure balderdash. Imprisoned by the bars of disappointment and despondencies, I’ve secluded myself from the society. The flowers of faith and trust have withered from my garden and for someone to help plant them back in would marvel me in ways I can’t imagine. I build a white fence around me to hinder people from penetrating and abolishing what little hope I have. Never have I thought that eradicating these heavy baggages of poppycock off my shoulders would cause me to tremble every now and then. Carving smiles and replaying laughter in front of others became easier for me to do as I don’t attach myself so much like I used to.  The probing of meanings in life has been pushed aside as I learned to follow the flow rather than torturing myself with hooey. I’ve been holding on to that thin – very thin string of hope that people would sneer at me. This piece of thin string of hope is actually what keeps me from slipping into the black hole of lugubriosity and dejection.

Saudade

Saudade is a vague and constant desire for something that does not and probably cannot exist, for something other than the present. – Aubrey Bell

If I could summarize one word for 2023, that would be it. 2023 was a year of longing and yearning for things I’ve lost and would probably never experience again. Not going to lie, throughout the year, I felt as if I was sitting in the backseat of my own body – looking through the windows of my eyes.

It was a year of…

loss and grieve

of conflict and chaos

of tears and heartaches

and of emptiness and lassitude.

A year I wish to never repeat.

Dear Pearls

I was going through my scrapbooks & albums, and a lot of the stuff in it involved you girls. It sent me back to the good times. It’s been a while since we last talked/met. It’s crazy, right? Of course, I’m the one at fault for that. I didn’t…and still couldn’t communicate well enough. If we were asked before whether we could see our lives without each other – we would’ve definitely asked back “what kind of question is that??”

But, here we are…

Goodbye 2021

It’s the final day of 2021 and yet, I have not done much writing as I planned to. But then again, what’s new. Although 2021 is zooming by without a care in the world, quite a lot of things have marked its spot in my book. Honestly, I don’t know what I have done for this year. Everything is a blur to me. All I remember is just constantly trapped in a dark abyss of numbness and ruins.

Once I’m in the safety of my room, it’s like my body and soul would just go into shutdown mode. My social stamina has decreased by a lot this year. My sleep however is like a Russian roulette – some days I would get no sleep while other days sleep is all I do. I kept taking emergency leaves for work simply because I couldn’t get out of bed. I’m tired. Really tired. All the time. There are days where I would cry all day and there are days when I wanted to desperately cry but no tears came out. Thus, I sit staring into nothingness going into a state of desolation. I don’t even write anymore. If before, I was able to jot down my feelings or turn my pain into poetry but now…nothing. I’ve lost all interest of the things that used to interest me.

And I’m not sure if I even care.

Day 83 of 366

My last entry was on the final day of 2019 and now I finally managed to press that “Publish” button in March 2020, a week away from April. So many things have happened, and I honestly don’t know where to even begin. I have yet to pen down my VA Camp, our company trip to SG, Melbourne Trip, friends’ weddings, our house being renovated, the birth of my niece (still cannot wrap my head around the fact that Ikah actually made a human being), the passing of my aunt (Aunty Zah) and now, the very famous Covid-19 pandemic. I planned to post some sort of content In January but the feeling of wanting to do nothing overcame everything else, hence here we are – 3 months later.

Bittersweet Dream

“It was sweet while it lasted but now, I have to finally wake up.”

The moments of us together definitely helped ease the pain I was having. Without knowing, you snuck into my heart. Luckily, you didn’t get too far. Yes, I’m heartbroken but I will survive. Because you see, it wasn’t as intense as the previous one, so I know I’ll recover from this. Honestly, I don’t even know if you were ever sincere to begin with like how I was or if any of it was real. There’s no telling if those words and actions meant anything to you as it did to me. I don’t know how this happened or why this happened but all I know is that I’m still grateful. Our moments made me smile and cry. It filled me with love and despair. It was simply bittersweet. It’s sweet because you gave me a sense of comfort and security that I haven’t felt in a while, yet it’s also bitter because this is all a dream and you were never mine to begin with. It was sweet while it lasted but now, I have to finally wake up.”

Write

Why is it so hard to write? I’ve written before and sometimes more often than I’d like.
So, why is it now that is has become an arduous task for me?
I went places, did some things, lost a loved one, got into a conflict, fell on my knees
I wanted to vent, to write, to let it out but only an empty page would greet me
Is this permanent or is this temporary?

A phase I wish to get over – a feeling I want to just override
But it’s not easy, it never is, and I don’t know if it will ever be
Especially when I’m in that cold room; the silence is amplified, and I just feel sickly
No matter how hard I tried
Even this small piece took me months to write
Something that could’ve taken me hours – if not days, took me many midnights
I kept typing and deleting, writing and crossing – nothing works, and truth is, I’m petrified
Because writing is the only thing that can keep me sane
The thing that’s keeping me in the somewhat right lane
So, if I’ve lost the desire to do so, if I cannot even rely on the thing that makes me okay
then I honestly don’t know what else to say

Freak

I’m a freak
An abomination
An absolute horror

I bathe in blood
Eat insecurities
And breathe out fears

I am made of scars
A mutilation
They warned about

A monstrosity
Out on the streets
I casually stroll

To others, she’s a darling
A decent girl
You came to know

But trust me
She is anything but so
For I know her too well

Because you see
I am her
She is me

All we are
And will ever be
Is a nasty freak

Picture: Google Images